This was to win all, for the past 20 years! I am excited for 3 rounds in the golf capital. My name is Jack, and this is my exclusive experience of my game in this journey. The first round was played at course were a goofy looking bear with a blue nose was the mascot.

Round 1, Hole 1

I hit the ball wrong, it hit off the side incorrectly and I was forced into a gully. With a second putt I putt, my ball went to three inches from the BLASTED FREAKIN’ HOLE! Tap in for three.

Round 1, Hole 2

The starting tee, the club scraped across the green, leaving my whole shot ruined and five feet short of the hole. Second shot, hit too hard and over shot the hole by five inches. 

Tap in for a three.

Round 1, Hole 3

The tee shot is lined up perfectly, the ball flies straight and true, the ball hits the back of the hole and tips out. For some reason, my putter ended up in the tree right next to the tee. After retrieving my club, I putted the three inches, and the (EXPLETIVE DELETE) ball stopped on the edge.

Tap in for a three

Round 1, Hole 4

Up hills and around corners, hit the wrong angle and go flying in a bad way, like me. Wind up like you are at a driving range, and pretend not to notice when your ball sinks into the wrong hole and gives you a small moment of glory.

Tap in for three

Round 1, Hole 5

An easy twenty foot straight shot, with a six inch gentle slope behind the hole. Now, I have learned from my past experiences, I hit the ball light and reel it back and hit it nice and soft. Of course it falls short and three feet to the left. I line up and tap it again, apparently I hit it too hard and skipped over the hole and kept going into the gully. A man from the family behind me asked me to stop shouting such obscenities, I told him what I thought of him, he stormed off. 

Tap in for three

Round 1, Hole 6

The hole is twenty-five feet up an incline and a seventy-five degree angle to bounce off of. I need to hit this with Heracles-like strength to be able to get up the hill and off the bounce and into the hole. Simple, right? Nope, my club drags on the turf causing my ball to be hit too lightly, the ball rolled back down the hill and back to the tee. I frown and feel bad, I look around and that man that came up to to me earlier was now boring his eyes into me. My second swing from the tee was followed by the loudest, foulest echo of a dirty word that modern men have ever heard. The cheap putter became a dented, bent mess from simply being near the word that was uttered.

Tap in for three

Round 1, Hole 7

Here we go, this is what mini golf is meant for, the loop-de-loo. On either side of the ramp are two bricks that will shoot my ball back to me if I mess up the first shot. I hit the ball with what I deem is an appropriate amount of force and I thought I aimed it right, I did not and my shin thinks that I hit it too hard. I tried again and again and again and again. I felt such insurmountable rage that apparently my mouth started working independently from the rest of my body.

Tap in for three

Round 1, Hole 8

Okay I really should calm down and relax. The people behind me are really starting to look at me funny and every time I open my mouth they clap their hands around their children’s ears. I ignore them and focus on the hole. The putter has been bent and rebent twice now. My ball, as best as it can, gets into the hole in one shot. I hear sirens as police are seen pulling into the parking lot.

Hole in one

Round 1, Hole 9

I never really got to play the hole. Officers came up to me as I was about to start. They said that I shouldn’t be shouting obscenities at the top of my lungs. In the calmest way that I could be, I told the officers that I didn’t know what they were talking about. The families around all shook their heads in disbelief. The officer noticed this and asked that I continue my play to finish off the front nine. I did as he had asked. A nice straight away with a set of angled bricks in the middle to give the course a sort of zig zag. I bet the pros of the PGA tour didn’t feel this many eyes watching them. Police and families, I knew that I couldn’t screw this up. With a solid tap. The ball took a bad bounce and jumped out of bounds.

On my way out of the miniature golf course, I saw that the stupid bear mascot was missing its blue nose and that it had been replaced by a mangled golf putter instead. I heard one officer say that words like that should never even be called into existence five hundred feet away from a public park. 

As far as I knew, all they had me with was public indecency. Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to return and to the back nine.